As I sit here enduring another endless Monday afternoon at work, listening to one of my ass-kisser coworkers spew her BS, and feeling disgusted that anyone would buy said bullshit, I’m inspired to rant about every kind of coworker who makes coming to work suck. Some of these annoying coworkers are harmless, but others are devious assholes who will screw you over in a heartbeat if it means gaining even the slightest favor with the boss. What follows is a list of annoying workers.  It is by no means an exhaustive list, but I believe it covers the usual offenders.  Please be advised that some exceptional coworkers exhibit a combination of these traits.

1. The person who manages to becomes BFFs with all the people in charge. This person always amazes me. I could never master the level of ass kissing and manipulation they achieve so easily. There must’ve been a 400 level ass kissing course I missed in college. It also amazes me that the people in charge can never see through such obvious manipulation. Maybe, they do see through the act and use the ass-kisser for whatever they can get out of them. Maybe, they are so narcissistic that they think everyone should engage in such extensive kissing of their ass.  Whatever the reason, the people in charge love the ass-kisser as much as the ass-kisser pretends to love them. I abhor the ass-kisser, because the ass-kisser makes me paranoid. If the ass-kisser is being aloof toward me, I start to worry about my status within the company. If the ass-kisser doesn’t think I’m worth speaking to, I could very well be on my way out.

2. The person who’s always just so insanely busy and wants everyone to know about it. Everyone is busy from time-to-time and may speak about it in passing, but this person is a drama queen about it. Every time I have to listen to one of these people, I want to both tell them to shut up and make them list everything they are working on. I guarantee the drama is a cover-up for either not having enough to do or a general feeling of disposability.

3. The person who gains power by talking crap about their coworkers. This person is usually also a successful ass-kisser; otherwise, constantly pointing out other’s faults to divert attention away from your own would be completely unsuccessful. They and their BFF, the CEO, can gossip about how useless another employee is. How fun! I avoid these people like the plague. All I want to do is stay off their radar. They have no conscience and would gladly throw their own mother under the bus if it meant gaining the smallest advantage with the boss. Nothing good could come of getting close to them.

4. I’m so nice and love everyone! I just have to shout it from the rooftops! You’re all my family! Please shut up and kindly give me a break. You should never have to tell anyone how nice you are. Your kindness should come across in your actions, not by what you say. These people can generally fool anyone at first, but as you get to know them, you start to see the real ugliness lying beneath the façade. At least I see through it, most people continue to buy the façade, which drives me insane. Word to the wise, genuinely nice people don’t have to tell you how nice they are. These faux nice people will stab you in the back and no one will believe that Ms. Nicey Nice would ever do something like that. The best thing to do with them is to pretend to love them as much as they pretend to love absolutely everyone and watch your back.

5. The conspiracy theorist. This person has figured out how much everyone else is getting paid, or they think they have, and it’s an outrage! And did you know so-and-so is on a campaign to get so-and-so fired? The company is about to lose a major account and if they do, a whole department will get cut! I hate listening to these people, because they are yet another type of person who makes me paranoid and for no reason, as generally, none of their conspiracy theories are revealed to be true.

6. The chronic complainer. We all vent from time-to-time. I have yet to meet a person who believes their workplace is perfect, but the chronic complainer never seems to have anything positive to say about anything ever.  Everything that happens to them is the worst possible thing ever. Even when something really good happens, they can’t be happy for too long before inevitably finding something else to be annoyed about. They’re constant negativity and self-pity can be exhausting. Ironically, the complainers always seem to do well at their jobs. The doom and gloom the complainers forecast never seems to come to fruition.

7. The night owl. This person always has to stay late. You wonder what they could possibly be doing to necessitate working as late as they do. Then, you realize they are just doing it for the face time or the “Look at me! Look at how dedicated I am!” effect on management. You suddenly feel like a schmuck for leaving at a decent hour and are drawn into their game. I have seen this backfire on a coworker when the boss assumed the coworker had too much on his plate and hired another person. This sent my coworker into a tizzy of pathetic desperation as he tried to convince his boss an extra team member wasn’t necessary, but it was too late. Now, my night owl coworker has a little more competition. I can’t feel sorry for him. He singlehandedly reset the expectation as to how late the rest of us will stay. Screw that guy.

I think that about wraps my list up. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go complain to a coworker and theorize about who will be the next to get canned, kiss my boss’ ass, tell him how insanely busy I am, trash talk the coworker to whom I just complained by making my complaints her complaints, slyly reveal just how late I stayed yesterday helping a coworker while humbly bragging about how nice I am for helping that coworker.  I’m on the path to success!